lady of leisure...

...or woman in transition, except the latter description makes me sound like a candidate for gender-reassignment surgery.

i don't even know where to begin, but there has been major upheaval in the starchmouse household. after i described everything that has happened in the last few months to my friend, she immediately exclaimed "it's your return of saturn!"

this is apparently my first saturn return, where i leave youth behind and enter adulthood. or rather, a time of restructuring and reevaluation. the end of a three-year relationship. finishing seven years of grad school. i've only ever been a student my entire life, and now that my immediate daily structure is gone, i have no idea if what i've been doing for the last six weeks counts as celebrating, or running away from figuring out the next step.

friends have told me that i deserve a break. i can't help but have a sneaking suspicion, however, that i'm just running around, avoiding all the thoughts in my head that would otherwise immobilize me. i suppose it doesn't help that i've been overly indulging my impulsive side. making decisions based on what i want right at the moment, not thinking about the consequences, even though i know myself well enough to predict the outcome.

somehow, wisely, i've decided to take a road trip. a sudden longing to see red hills and desert and waves of heat rising off the ground. looking at the weather report, however, i wonder if i have a subconscious death wish. it would certainly fit in with this whole avoidance thing. running away from being a grown-up. acting impulsively.

during my last impulsive act (a trip to DC and NY), my friend's girlfriend told me about how it is important to ask for things in a very specific manner. i won't go into the details of the origin of this advice, but basically, this is something i'm trying to figure out, but it is so dang hard because, honestly, i don't know what it is that i specifically want. i thought i'd have it figured out by now. and thinking about it stresses me out, because it make me wonder what the hell i've been doing for the last seven years. did i peak at age 17? am i capable of surviving in the real world? after a lifetime of being told that i'm something special, is it actually that i'm...just average?

these are the thoughts i want to run away from. i hope they don't accompany me on the long stretches of driving i have ahead of me.